Activity and Investment

August 21, 2008 at 10:36 pm (Uncategorized)

I have named a new beast recently: passivity.

I realized that it encompasses many of my limitations and the things that I wish to change, that cause me frustration in my daily life.

The universe has been conspiring to send me nudges and blatant messages of hopeful “IT’s TIME TO GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND BECOME MORE!”

The joy of it is, I feel so ready!!!

To help along the way, I have found an online community called 43 things (”list your goals, share your progress, cheer others on”). It has been a great encouragement!

I love lists!

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July 31, 2008 at 11:05 am (Uncategorized)

“Wherever you are, be all there”

At first I thought this was a typo, when I read it on a friend’s facebook. Then I realized, no it’s not supposed to be, wherever you are, i’ll be there! And I realized it was a good mantra for me today.

I’ve been having alot of flashbacks to “simpler” times. Nostalgia and feeling emotional about friends drifted away, times when I was in my comfort zone as much as I wanted.

It’s time to put away these thoughts and be all here. This is my life and I am grateful for it!

Peace.

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Energy

July 29, 2008 at 6:58 pm (strength)

Today my husband came home from work for lunch. It’s always nice to see him in the middle of the day, as I have so little people contact for the most part!

Well, on his way out, we hugged and he gave me the nicest compliment:

“It’s so nice to hug you; you have a really good energy.”

Considering the fact that my lack of energy is something I am constantly frustrated about, and see not only as a physical limitation but a manifestation of personal weakness, well! I was pleased to hear he felt a good energy. Pleased to share it too!

I suspect that much of my chronic low energy is tied to the way that I think: how I spend my resources on analysis, being cautious, listening to my fears, being productive at all times and catering to the needs of others so as not to rock the boat. These are not easy things to change, they are right down into the very fabric of my way of being, having worked their habitual grooves and ridges deep from a lifetime of reactionary living. It’s still the easiest thing to do, to stay in the same old thinking pattern.
But I am slowly growing and changing.

Maybe I will always be cautious and “sensible”, never fully lost in the fun and spontaneity so many people seem to embrace. But I would like to continue expanding my comfort zone. This always takes MORE energy to do initially, than it does to stay in my low energy rut! So, here’s to more energy!

Peace!

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Roller coaster

July 21, 2008 at 7:32 pm (depression, strength)

Sometimes I get tired and I let those depressed thought patterns become “reality” Even though they can feel utterly right, they are no more reality than a view that refuses to see any negative and is solely positive about the world we live in.

The world is made of both black and white and alot of grey.

I’m trying to reteach myself to think more realistically so that I don’t wallow in hopelessness. Cognitive behavioral therapy is helping alot. I like that it has activities (charts etc) that are quick and effective.

Onward for another day.

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Underneath it all

July 20, 2008 at 11:56 pm (depression, meaning)

Everything means nothing to me.

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The church is a whore but she is my mother.*

July 14, 2008 at 1:16 pm (Uncategorized)

I’ve been struggling alot lately with where I am at regarding institutionalized church.

I’m still attending, but sporadically, the little liberal church plant I was once so on fire about, where I was once pouring myself out in working for the good I believed God intended through it. Now it has changed and I have changed and I am left pondering what the godly thing to do is about these changes. To walk away into a breath of fresh air, or commit irregardless for principle’s sake? Mostly, I am leaning into owning the human things in my heart, that I am often either apathetic or angry, that I now see and feel so much negative and little of the Creator in these Sunday times.

This article from Geez magazine, and mostly its comments have inspired some extra thought.

Reading the comments helped me to pick out articulations of what I feel, and also the questions that disturb me about what I feel.

This is the main reasoning in my heart these days:

“I left church because attending church became toxic to my faith. It’s disappointing but not unexpected that people presume to understand others’ reasons for leaving church rather than simply asking those of us who’ve left. For me, for now, my faith is stronger and more sound outside the four walls of church.”

This is the exact opposite of my experiences:

“My observations related to attendance at a local church is that most of the people that leave, do so because they have continually come to the meeting to recieve. …If you come to give, you will not only be refilled (according to the bible) but the experience of being a co-laborer with Jesus will be exhilerating.”

And lastly, this creates twinges of doubt, fear of being wrong and possibly even guilt:

“What if Jesus had decided to just focus on himself and his own spiritual development instead of speaking truth to power?”

What are your thoughts about walking away from institutionalized church?

*a thought about the title of this post. Perhaps remembering that God is my Mother and the church is my sister/brother changes some things.

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June 16, 2008 at 6:06 pm (depression)

Today I woke up very depressed, for no reason, as happens at least half of the time.

I tried to ignore it and with quite a bit of effort got myself to get a number of things done.

But then after reading for a bit and feeling aimless, pathetic, angry and hopeless about being a woman, being myself, being depressed, I broke down crying as I was trying to close the sticky bathroom door.

Tears running down my cheeks I stared at myself in the mirror and saw myself, saw that then and there, I would do nearly anything to feel better. Anything easy, that is.

Just medicate me, I whispered. In that moment I saw that I would willingly take meds, even if they caused me health problems, to gain weight, to be unattractive to my husband, to become so even emotionally that nothing really excited or bothered me, to become what I think would be less than myself, uninterested and uninteresting, but not in despair.*

And this is what self-centredness looks like manifested. Or perhaps this is self-inflicted martyrdom manifested. I just want to have meaning, something to do, motivation and energy to do it, more than half of the time. Is that too much entitlement?

*Please note that I am not against taking medication for physical and mental illnesses. Each person has a personal choice which hinges on unique circumstances and no one should be judged for taking or not taking pills. Not everyone reacts the same ways to anti-depressants, these thoughts are just things I have seen in some and what I fear for myself. Even then, my depression is not very severe, I am highly functional, on the outside, and I think it is just a matter of making myself better through better habits, prayer, thoughts, actions, therapy.

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Joy Luck

June 13, 2008 at 1:17 pm (being woman, meaning, strength)

There is something of strength and resolve in clicking this “write” button.

Today I feel I have found a part of myself. I have opened up to let it back out. I am writing so that I do not forget.

The most important things are the easiest to forget, love, hope, faith. I think it fitting that the sources of our strength are so fragile. Paradox has always given rise to meaning, in its way of insisting two opposing things must be held together lightly, with shades of gray.

Today I have remembered the beauty of womanhood. I see the inner world of it, the ways of thinking and loving that are unique to us, socially, genetically and spiritually. MotherGod has bestowed us with a burdensome treasure in this piece of herself we must learn to embrace. I see it must be the same with men, with a different treasure. I see it is the same with each person, each with a different piece of the Divine.

Namaste.

The divine in me honours the divine in you. and together, we honor the Divine.

The moments when I feel the world truly, when I think I see the nature of what it is to be alive, the million little deaths entwined with the life, - these are the moments I feel most whole. We do not choose this deaths, but they give birth to forces of our choosing. I feel so substantially heavy with urgency to live, with shoulders carrying the underlying meaning behind seemingly meaningless tasks. I feel so strong with shoulders squared, knowing that life and love are enough to keep me from despair in the face of these old enemies, fear and distance, hurt and anger, confusion and mistrust. I feel strong even knowing that I will despair, as I have before, but I swear We will not let the despair be inevitable or interminable.

Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear and let it pass through me, and when it has gone, I will look inside and see that courage has cleansed me until only I remain, only the part of me that is God’s love. For courage is strength acting despite fear, and perfect love casts out fear.

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Too much to say, so I sum.

June 10, 2008 at 3:17 am (Uncategorized)

Today I feel that:

-Life is often its beautifullest alongside its ugliest.

-There are some films worth watching.

-Life is a Comic Tragedy, or a Tragic Comedy, but always both at once.

-Sometimes, I can have too much chocolate.

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I give myself permission, despite thought police

June 5, 2008 at 4:21 pm (Uncategorized)

One thing that religion has ingrained in me, is the habit of self-limitation.

I believe sometimes this is necessary and good; resisting the urge to say a hurtful comment to someone, for example.

But like all things, in excess it can cause problems. I not only have a conscience, I have an entire internal police force, uh, policing, my every thought, word, deed. Probably connected to my being a highly sensitive person, I have always had a keen sense for even subtle currents of shame and fear and expectations and have internalized them to a great degree, in order to keep my world safe and less overwhelming.

The result?

Today I found myself trying to eat wasabi with my take-out sushi for lunch, until I realized, I don’t even LIKE wasabi! Why was I forcing myself to eat it? There was no one else around to try and impress with my cultivated (or not so) taste for hot food. Simply put, I bought into the idea that it was better to be able to eat spicy food than not, and so I was forcing myself to do it, all on my own, even though it wasn’t very pleasant for me.

Why would I choose to eat at my desk, when I’d rather eat at the table? Why would I eat indoors when I know it uplifts me to eat on the front porch in the sunlight? Why would I make myself bike somewhere when I have the time and would rather walk? Why would I make myself work when I have done enough and could relax with friends?

I have a tendency to do this alot, tell myself no I can’t do what I want, or I have to do what I don’t want, even in small matters.
I have decided to consciously make the effort to allow myself to choose what I like over what I feel I should feel like, whenever the matter does not involve harming someone else by my choices.

I will stop harming myself by refusing to listen to my inner judge when it is being hyper vigilant and unreasonable.

I will accept all the threads in the fabric of who I am.

I will tell myself I am allowed to be who I am.

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